Armageddon Survival Secrets

     I read on the Internet (the most trusted source of information) that world will end at 6pm today. I assume Eastern Standard Time, because the world revolves around EST. So I thought it was my duty to give you some tips on what to do in case the world ends today.

• Hit the gym. Most people in the post apocalyptic world will be wearing little clothing, and usually they are in good shape. If TV has taught us anything, fat people are rich, or dead.
• Get into leather. Cotton fabric tatters way too easy, if you want good clothing, you need leather. As much as possible.
• Get sunglasses. Somehow everything turns to dust and sand, and you'll need shades to protect your eyes. You don't want to be squinting when the machines, zombies, or bandits are coming to kill you.
• Save gasoline. Much like today, gas is huge in the post apocalyptic world. Just don't let people know you have it, other wise you'll have to build a big town and people like Lord Humongous will try to kill you.
• Don't worry about bullets. Just guns. It seems as if nobody will run out of ammo. But carrying a large amount across your chest is a good fashion statement.
• Try to find out if the government has large boats that can sustain life, but only have a limited amount of people that can stay on them. And if they do, make sure that one person in your party is an excellent driver and can fly a plane.
• Don't trust corporations. Whether they are making machines or zombies, they are probably bad news.
• You will get double crossed. So get it out of the way early. And the more beautiful the woman, the more likely she will do it. 
• Don't be a picky eater. Apparently, people hide food in the trash during the apocalypse. So don't be too proud to eat out of there. It also seems like dog and cat food never go bad.

     I hope that my list of tips will help you tonight. If it doesn't happen, take these ideas and save them for the next time the world is supposed to end.